The following is something my dear college friend, Savannah, wrote after losing her sweet baby. It was written shortly after and even though now it's been several months, I ask that you pray for her as you read her story.
"This is my story…..
You never know how you are going to go through a situation until you are made to go through it. You can read all the information you’d like, but knowledge is nothing without experience. I know that 30-50% of women experience at least one miscarriage in their lives. Did I ever expect to fall into that category and become a statistic? Never. No one wants to be that woman. No one should ever want to go through this experience by choice. There is too much pain involved…physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Sadly, I am one of those women now. I wanted to share my experiences, sorrows, heartache, peace, and comfort during this chapter of my life in the hopes that other women going through similar situations can be encouraged in their lives as well. I want them to know that there is hope and healing beyond the pain they feel in this moment. So this is my story…
My name is Savannah. I am happily married and at 23 years old, the mother of a beautiful, healthy 19 month old son. On February 20, 2013, I took a pregnancy test to confirm what I had suspected the past couple weeks. I was expecting our second baby. It took a little while for me to finally get a doctor appointment set up, not knowing the system here at our Army hospital, but on March 28 I was able to set up my initial first visit. Due to the fact that it was Easter weekend and the OB department being completely booked, I was not given an ultrasound that day, not even a Doppler check (which I didn’t even realize or think to ask until I got home). The only thing done was a PAP and a manual check to see how far along I should have been. They projected me at 9-10 weeks.I knew I wasn’t to hope I was that far along since with my last pregnancy, I was always two weeks behind what their charts should say I should be. So I told myself to expect to be around 6 weeks-ish. They scheduled me an ultrasound in Radiology for the 12th of April since that’s where the backup ultrasounds for the OB department were done when they’re overbooked. So we just planned to see our baby then.
On the 9th of April, my husband underwent major reconstructive surgery on his knee for an injury he sustained during his 2nd deployment to Iraq in 2006. After spending two days in the hospital before being discharged home, he had a mandatory follow-up in physical therapy on no other day than the12th of April at the same time as my ultrasound. Not wanting him to miss seeing the baby, I made the decision to reschedule the appointment because he missed the first ultrasound with our firstborn due to being gone for Army training. (He actually ended up missing the first 7 months of my first pregnancy due to his Army training, so that’s why I didn’t want him missing anything with this second pregnancy.) The next available ultrasound was the 13th….of May. I cried. I just wanted to see my baby…to hear it’s little heartbeat…but I knew I could wait another 4 weeks. I told myself it was even better because the baby would be bigger by then instead of a little gummy bear size version of a baby.I could handle 4 more weeks…in the mean time, taking care of my little boy and husband and making sure he didn’t get any infections or blood clots were more important. The first week after his surgery we were in and out of the hospital6 out of 7 days. And during this time, that’s when my bleeding started…
At first I didn’t think too much about it. It wasn’t even to cause alarm. But it never stopped and gradually increased. On the 17th of April we went back to the hospital, this time for me, and got me checked into OB sick call. Due to my symptoms, they ordered an emergency ultrasound. The doctor that performed the ultrasound couldn’t even find the baby in my uterus. That was my first scare. After several attempts at every angle possible, a second doctor was called in to find the baby. She finally found our little precious gummy bear much to my relief, and proceeded to look for a heartbeat. We never heard one. Over and over she kept checking, but nothing came over the speakers. I knew what was coming. I knew what this meant. At the same time, I was not surprised. I think God had been preparing me for this moment in some small way before I even entered the hospital that morning. I know bleeding at any time is never good, especially if it’s increasing. So I had a slight feeling that was where I was heading. The Lord knows how to calm my heart and feelings in times of stress and struggles. He does it through music and songs, and while the doctor tried over and over to find that little heartbeat, God had a song pouring through my mind over and over…
The doctor finally stopped with the ultrasound and tried to give us some encouragement. I was to come back in a week to double check in case it was a fluke that we couldn’t get a heartbeat. She told me she didn’t want to make assumptions right away, but it did look like an “abnormal pregnancy” as she called it. I told her it was ok to tell me if it looked like I was going to miscarry. She said that’s probably where I was headed. She gave us some information on miscarriages to read about what steps I could take as a miscarriage progresses. Then she allowed us to stay in her exam room until I was ready to leave. I was crying by then but fighting so hard to stay strong. I knew my family needed me. I knew my husband who was standing with crutches by my side would need me to care for almost all his daily needs as he could not manage quite yet with little things on his own. I knew my son needed my love and care full time as well since Daddy was unable to help take care of him with me. While in the room, my husband held my hand as I briefly cried for this little baby I would never get to know in this earthly life. No words can comfort the pain of losing a child, no matter how small. To me, life begins at conception. I knew my baby had a heartbeat at one point. There was a life inside of me growing up until this point. We decided not to tell anybody but a select few so that they could pray with us over the next week for peace and comfort to accept the path I was heading to take. The following Sunday while sitting in church, I was very distracted from the sermon. I couldn’t stop thinking of my baby I would be losing. In that moment, I wrote myself a note on my phone. This is that note:
I sit here in this seat in church and my mind is distracted for the sermon. It is that moment when my mind struggles with the reality of what is happening inside my body that I have no control over. It helps to sing hymns of comfort or songs that remind me of how God has been good to me in my life despite the low times and walking through the valleys. It is saddening to think of last week's visit to the hospital and how two doctors couldn't find a heartbeat on our baby and most likely I am heading towards a miscarriage. I know I am allowed to be sad. I know I am allowed to cry and grieve. I want to be strong in this time when I am weak. My flesh wants to crumble up and cry my eyes out and feel sorry for myself. It wants to scream out Why? But knowing theGod I serve, I fight instead to give God the glory for the life he allowed me to be apart of, even though it looks like it will only be for a short time. I asked myself these questions constantly: Who would this baby have been? What would my baby have looked like? Would the baby have had trouble in life? Would it have grown up to reject The Lord as savior? Would it have been healthy?Would it have struggled at life with a pain or abnormality? As a parent, we hurt for our struggling children watching how the world treats them differently. How could I be mad at God for preventing my baby from the pain of this world if he has already chosen to take my baby away from me? How could Ibe mad at him for loving my baby so much that he wanted it to be with him? The next question that follows all these is -Will I love Jesus more because of all this that I must go through? Will I love him more because he took my baby home without me getting to know him/her more? It's hard and I struggle and cry whenI tell myself that Yes, I must love him more. I am so thankful that as a woman and mother, I am able to witness the miracle of life in my own body. I am thankful for the ability to go through the aches and pains of pregnancy so that one day I can be rewarded by having the child I labored so hard to bear in my arms. But this time, what is my reward? There won't be kicks or hiccups in the middle of the night that wake me from my sleep this time. There won't be any heartbeat to hear at dr. appointments. And most of all, I will never hold this baby in my arms. So what is the reward for all the effort and labor so far?What is the reward for losing the life once being created inside? The only thing I can think of is Love. The reward is Love. To love Jesus more. To love the moments I have with my living son Oliver more. To love my husband more for his support in all this despite his own struggles from his surgery. To love my church more for their prayers through this time. Love will be my reward. To love my God so much more for whatever reason he saw best for calling my baby home so early. I can say my God has never left my side through any struggleI've gone through. I cling to my life verse Hebrews 13:5b- "for he hath said, I will never leave thee, not forsake thee" so often throughout the day. I think of Job and how he lost so much and said blessed be the name of TheLord despite all odds being against him. The Lord has always given me a song inmy heart to cling to when I am struggling. When we sat in the exam room and couldn't find the heartbeat knowing what the doctors were about to tell me, allI could think of were these words:
Even in the valley God is good
Even in the valley he is faithful and true
He carries his children through just like he said he would
So even in the valley, God is good
Over and over and over again that poured through my mind. It is what kept me from bursting in to tears. It helped me get through those next few moments when I knew I needed him the most. I am so thankful for Adam's support as well. It is always reassuring knowing your husband is standing there right by your side ready to help in any way he can, even if all he can do is hold you in his arms. I know that there is not much you can say concerning the loss of a baby other than to just pray for comfort and peace to get through the next few minutes,hours, days, and coming weeks. This Wednesday is my next ultrasound to confirm the loss of our baby. If there is a loss, I am praying for peace for the coming weeks of what a miscarriage involves. If by a miracle, the baby has a heartbeat, then we can only praise The Lord for his grace and mercy upon our family in sparing this child to us. Whether good or bad news, God will be glorified. I can only hope that my story will be able to possibly touch the lives of other people who may be going through a similar situation. I am not and have never been alone for a single minute through this trial. The Lord has carried me this whole time because I know that my own strength would have not even carried me a step. So I can only pray for peace in the coming days and strength to continue to take care of my family in all the other areas too in our life right now that are being tried...
After I got home from the hospital, I called my mom knowing she would be able to empathize with me. As soon as she answered the phone, I started crying. I made it up until that point and just broke down. I told her they couldn’t find the heartbeat, and I was going to miscarry. She cried with me. Growing up, I watched my mother lose two still-born girls back to back seven years after she had me and another miscarriage several years later in between my two younger brothers. She is the strongest person I know in how to deal with this kind of loss. She and I talked for about an hour and a half while I sat in my car . By the time we were done, I felt so much better knowing what I should be preparing myself to expect happen in the coming weeks.
When we went to have my second ultrasound the followingWednesday, I was more prepared with an unexplainable amount of strength and peace going into the hospital. The ultrasound once again could not find the heartbeat, and the baby’s measurements had not grown any during the past week. I was able to accept that this path towards miscarriage would be the one I would have to walk. My doctor gave me three options for the miscarriage, and I told her I would let my body take care of itself without any medical intervention or surgery. She gave me a week to try on my own, but suggested that if I had not passed everything by the following Wednesday, that I allow her to give me some meds to help pass everything that’s left to avoid infections setting in. We made the decision to tell everybody that day what was going on via Facebook and phone since by that time, I had a lot of people at church questioning if I was doing or feeling ok. The encouragement and comfort and prayers started pouring in. That night, I went to church to help get all the “how are you” and the“I’m so sorry” pretty much over with. I don’t mean to be insensitive since everybody had been so loving and supportive, but it is hard to have to keep hearing “I’m sorry for your loss” over and over again, reminding you of why they are saying that. Adam was not with me; he was in too much pain with his leg to go so I made that walk into church alone. I know God carried me through the service and every song and special played was meant for me. A friend played my favorite hymn “Day by Day” for the offeratory and another sang a song aboutJob trusting the Lord. I cried through it all, but it was a healing balm to my heart. I knew I was going to be carried through all this because I couldn’t doit on my own. After the service, friends poured around to hug and comfort me. I only cried once thankfully. I really was tired of crying by that point…
In the next coming days, I continued to just deal with more bleeding and pain increasing. I knew that my body was trying to take care of itself. Sunday came, and I sat alone in service again listening to the music continue to be a blessing to me. It was hard to deal with the heartache, but I knew that I must continue to keep my eyes focused on the Lord, knowing He had abetter plan in store for my life. I knew that as the pain increased, the time was drawing nearer that this would all be over soon. By the time we went back to the doctor though, I had not passed everything so to keep away from possible infection, I was prescribed some pills that would help everything pass. My doctor also gave me Percocet to offset the cramping and pain she said would be present. Being that I was the only driver for our family at this time, I knew I couldn’t take the Percocet, but she gave me some Motrin to help as well,whatever I chose to take. I was just supposed to be back within 48 hours after taking the pills so we scheduled an appointment for that Friday May 3rd. Once I got home and read more about the pills, I debated for several hours afterwards if I was going to even take them.It was Cytotec….abortion pills. Even though I knew the baby was no longer alive, I struggled to make a decision. Alive or not, I was about to chuck abortion pills down my throat. It may not seem like a big deal to many, but it was a pretty hard decision to make for me. Thinking that I had already passed the baby the day before though, I felt a little better about taking them since it was only the uterine sac they needed me to pass. So I figured I would go ahead and take them, and it wouldn’t be as bad of cramps or pain as I thought.I took the pills at 3pm and continued on my day. The doctor said it could take as little as 30 minutes to kick in or several hours. Since I wasn’t feeling anything too painful after a couple hours, I thought it was going to be a breeze. And then that’s when the pills kicked in….
Three hours after I took the pills, my pain level shot from a 2 to a 20 in under 30 minutes. I could barely walk. I could barely think. All I knew was that immense pain was in my stomach and hips, and no matter what I did, it wasn’t being relieved. I told Adam he had to find somehow, some way to watch and occupy Ollie while I was incapacitated on the bed. I tried taking Motrin before it initially hit me. That was a joke. I tried sitting in a steaming hot bath….not a dent of relief. I ended up throwing up after that. The pain was so excruciating. I couldn’t think of anything else but the pain and the thought that women who take these pills to terminate their pregnancies on purpose are complete idiots. Who would go through this pain intentionally??? No woman in her right mind should ever have this option of pain by choice. I called my family. We used to sing scriptural songs together in church for specials when I was growing up with them, and I wanted them tosing to me. My daddy answered the phone and as soon as I heard him, I just started crying. It took me a couple minutes to explain what was going on. I wanted them to sing Psalm 91 to me. That was the only song I could think of at the moment, but I knew it would be a huge comfort going through this torturous pain. My mom and dad and four siblings got together and over the phone started singing to me as I laid on my bed. They sang several songs after Psalm 91 as well and then my mom got on the phone to just talk with me. I didn’t know if I was going to need to go to the emergency room or not, but I assured her I would if necessary. We talked for almost an hour before she said goodbye. I knew my stand-bys were still in church at that time so we waited until they were home before calling to see if somebody could just be ready to take me to the hospital if need be in the middle of the night. After we were able to get ahold of a friend, I had Adam bring our son into the bedroom for bed. I helped him get into his pajamas, and hubby brought him his sippy cup of milk. I laid there with him hoping he would fall asleep quickly so that I wouldn’t have to deal with a restless baby while I was in so much pain. During the hours after I initially felt the excruciating pain, I began to realize that there would be slight moments were it wouldn’t hurt and then it’d start back up again. I realized I was having contractions. I started timing them. 30 second contractions every 30 seconds….it had been three hours of this already. I was in full-blown labor. I was myself for a long, hard night since the contractions weren’t going away, and this time there wasn’t the option of an epidural. At 9:30pm, I took Percocet to see if it could help the pain at all…..I should have known it wouldn’t but I was hoping anyways. About 15minutes later, I felt something inside me and knew I needed to get to the bathroom. My son wasn’t asleep yet, but I just put him in his crib and called for Adam to come be with him. Without being too graphic or detailed, everything(THANKFULLY) passed out of my body then and there. The pain subsided almost immediately,and I knew that it was all over. I felt a wave of peace come over my body. I felt like I was finally going to be ok. Afterwards, I was able to get my son and put him to bed properly. He knew during this whole time that something was wrong, and you could tell by the way he was acting that he wanted to make sureMommy was ok. He finally went to bed. I was able to call my parents and let them know that I was going to actually get sleep that night and that I would keep them updated as the days progressed.
Friday came and the doctor did another ultrasound. She said everything but a bit of amniotic fluid was gone and that everything was healing very well. She said I no longer needed the ultrasounds and they would just watch my HCG levels to make sure they were going down. They could do that with blood work that day and the following week. She gave me some milder meds to help flush the amniotic fluid out, but after the trauma of essentially a delivery two days ago, I did not take them. I knew my body could pass that in its own time. I didn’t want to feel like I was in labor again for a while.
During the next week, we waited for pathology to do some testing on everything that I had passed to determine the cause of the miscarriage and possibly the gender. In that time, I asked God to give us aname for the baby even if we weren’t able to know the gender. While I still had pain and cramping, I was going through post-partum depression as well. I was not expecting that as an after effect nor was I expecting insomnia to hit me the night after I passed everything. While the depression is not as bad anymore, I am still battling the insomnia. I try to nap with my son during the day, but with all the doctor visits and physical therapy with my husband as well, that has not been happening a lot lately.
So why did I share all this? I believe that despite the loss of the baby, my God has seen my through all this and carried me the whole way. It isn’t easy at all at times, the emotions are still very raw. Today wasMother’s Day, and I was affected in a bittersweet way about having blessings given in my life and taken away. I have also been dealing with my pregnancy hormones rapidly dropping drastically. The effects are seeming to hit me in new ways almost every day. But I know my God is good. I know He never left me alone for a minute during all these trials. He has been faithful in providing people with meals and flowers and cards of encouragement. I have learned to not be afraid to ask for help when I need it, especially with my husband still so limited in what he can do during his recovery process. I have learned to laugh again through the good times and the bad knowing that God is always in control.I have learned so much about love, just as God revealed that to me days after I received that heartbreaking news of the loss of our baby. There has been joy in this sorrow and pain as well. There has been new friendships made through the sharing of stories from empathizing mothers. There were people coming up and telling me that my strength and peace they saw through this trial helped them to be able to talk about their own losses. I wanted my testimony to be honoring and glorifying to the Lord through all this as a beacon of hope to others who have suffered as well. There has been peace and closures for me as well each passing day. Last Friday, I was told that the baby’s gender was not able to be determined, but they didn’t see anything out of the ordinary in the chromosomes to indicate that this little baby would have suffered in this life on earth. SoI know that it was only God’s ultimate plan that this precious baby be a part of our lives for the short time that it was. And finally, my ultimate closure of peace was that God gave us our baby’s name, just as He gave my parents my sister’s name when she was still-born. I believe we are to name the baby Toby. It is so fitting because when Adam thought about the name, he looked up the meaning, and so fittingly Toby means “God is good”. So our precious Toby is now up in Heaven with his Tante Sarah and Tante Gracie and our other little sibling looking out for him until we are all reunited together one day. And what a reunion that will be J
I hope that with sharing my story, that people can take some encouragement into their own lives no matter what situation they are going through. God never gives us more than we can handle. There were times I wondered how I was getting through it all with everything going on, but I was just reminded that I was able to go through all this because God knew I could handle it, albeit not any easy path at all to walk. I have and am still walking this path, and know that one day when these trials are all over, I can be completely whole once again. Until that time, I know that despite everything going on, It is well with my soul…."
